


Defiance of Logic

by Jacqueline_64



Category: Starsky & Hutch
Genre: Gen, Humor, Not Beta Read
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-24
Updated: 2020-07-24
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:27:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25495348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jacqueline_64/pseuds/Jacqueline_64
Summary: Being Starsky's partner can be very frustrating.
Kudos: 11





	Defiance of Logic

The most used disclaimer:   
The TV show "Starsky and Hutch", and the characters from it   
are the property of the persons who hold the copyrights   
and other legal rights to them.   
This story is a work of fiction, written for pleasure only   
and not for profit. It is not intended, in any way,   
to infringe on these preexisting copyrights.

# Defiance of Logic

Jacqueline©2020-07-24

He stared at his partner with a dulled expression on his face. Opposite him in the cafeteria at BCPD Metro, Starsky was working his way through a plate filled with mystery meat, French fries, ketchup, onions, onion rings, gravy and some unspecified pink substance that looked like cottage cheese gone bad.

At some point Hutch couldn’t contain himself any longer and blurted out  
“Just what in the hell **is** that?”

“What?” Starsky asked around the huge spoonful of his dish he’d just put into his mouth, as he looked up at his partner. Curious about what Hutch was hinting at, Starsky then turned his head around slightly, to see what might be the source of his partner’s cantankerous tone.

Hutch rolled his eyes before addressing his partner,  
“Not there, **here**! On your plate! What the hell **is** that?” he spat out, pointing the famed Hutchinson index finger at the pink substance,  
“Or that, for that matter,” he added, now indicating the grey/brown mystery meat.

“Whadareya talkin’ about?” Starsky asked, dimwitted expression on his chewing features, before looking down at his plate.

Hutch went into full lecture mode.  
“I swear, Starsk, most of the stuff on that plate probably doesn’t even qualify as food. I mean – sheesh ….” He picked up his spoon and proceeded to take a tiny piece off the meat, studied it for a few seconds and then put it in his mouth, only to almost instantly spit it out in his napkin.  
  
“Hey! If ya steal food off somebody’s plate, at least have the decency to eat it!” Starsky said with righteous indignation, shielding the rest of his food with his right hand.

“Starsky that is not food! It’s got ----- it tastes like a detergent, yuck!”

Starsky looked back at his partner with a deadpan expression, jaws working away another big spoonful of food. When he’d finished chewing, he dryly stated  
“You’re nuts. This is terrific. Ya see, Hutch,” he continued, as he squirted more ketchup over his entire plate,  
“The reason why you’re always so grouchy is that you never start your day with a solid base. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. I thought a health nut like you would know that.”

Starsky’s statement was enough to almost cause Hutch to lose HIS breakfast. With an annoyed expression on his face he replied  
“Starsky, the stuff you have on your plate doesn’t even resemble something you could eat for dinner, but for breakfast it’s just …… disgusting!”

Unable to be a witness to the crime scene that was Starsky’s plate, Hutch got up from their table to put his utensils and empty bowl on the counter. When he returned, Starsky’s plate was empty and clean, like it had already had a ride on the dishwasher. Inside he was grateful for the fact that he’d apparently missed the moment where his partner had licked his plate clean.

“You ready?” he asked.

“Yep,” Starsky replied before placing his empty plate and utensils on the counter.

As they left the cafeteria, Starsky could not resist the vending machine. He looked around him before hitting the side of it. He then grabbed his prize from the compartment.  
“Oh, wow, look: Oreos **and** a Butternut bar!” he exclaimed excitedly.

“Christ,” muttered Hutch under his breath.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

The case they were working on took them to several locations across town during the day. They revisited the crime scene, a 24/7 neighborhood grocery store, to talk with some of the regular customers and possible witnesses. They went by Huggy’s after dispatch relayed he had information for them. Huggy’s lead brought them to a garage where one of the suspects possibly worked. By then it was lunchtime, so they parked at a foodstand and had lunch Al Fresco while going over their findings of the morning. Then they responded to an emergency call to all vehicles in the vicinity of a school where a schoolbus had been involved in an accident. After that, they went back to Metro to do some paperwork. An anonymous tip had them back on the road to the warehouse district on the outskirts of town, but it turned out to be false information. They received another dispatch message from Huggy on the way over to Metro, so they stopped by their informant’s establishment instead. Since it was close to the end of their shift, they decided to have dinner there, too, before finally returning to Metro to finish up some paperwork and sign out.

Just after having placed his report on the in-stack on Captain Dobey’s desk, Hutch produced another report of sorts: two pages he’d torn out of his notebook and had stapled together, which he placed on his partner’s desk, literally under Starsky’s nose.

Starsky looked up in surprise.  
“What’s this?”

“Read it,” Hutch replied.

Starsky made a face before complying to read the notebook pages.

After reading for a few seconds, he stopped and looked up at his partner, who stood next to his desk.  
“What……?”

“Read it. Read all of it!” Hutch ordered.

So, Starsky obeyed and continued reading Hutch’s handwritten notes, which said:  
  
 _ **Breakfast BCPD Cafeteria:  
French fries, ketchup, onions, onion rings, gravy, mystery “meat?”, unspecified pink substance  
Drive downtown: Butternut bar  
Witness interviews at Felton Market: 2 Breakfast bars, 1 Twinkie, can of soda  
Huggy’s: Ice Tea, nuts  
Lunch: 2 hamburgers, onions, 2 tomatoes, 1 hotdog, relish, sauerkraut, chili, 1 big Coke  
Metro: 2 cups of coffee, Oreos, 2 Danish rings  
Huggy’s, dinner: large plate of French fries, large order of ribs, extra onions and BBQ sauce, large soda, 1 beer  
Metro: 1 cup of coffee, Oreos.**_

Eyes still glued to Hutch’s notes, Starsky asked,  
“You’re …… spying on me? What’s ……. Why?”

“Starsk, ever since we went to the Academy together I’ve witnessed you polluting your system with the most horrible, disgusting, unhealthy and sometimes even unsanitary items of what you mistakenly consider to be food. I’ve been warning you since day one that attacking your body with so much …….. such huge amounts of ……… of crap every single day of your life is one day going to get you …… big time!”

“What are you? The food police? Listen, Hutch, not everybody can get by on the rabbit food you eat. What’s it? Bird seeds, all those powders and goat’s milk and other stinky stuff you mesh up in your blender every day. Talk about things not being food. Since when is it normal for people to eat bird food?”

“Starsk, you’re missing the point here. Listen. The amount of sugars, fat, calories and Lord knows what other artificial ingredients in the items you eat each day, are bad for your system! Your organs, your arteries, your **heart** , are slowly clogging up because you attack them on a daily basis with the stuff you put down your mouth each day. I’m concerned about your wellbeing, that’s all.”

“Yeah, you been telling me since the Academy that I would have a heart attack at 30. Well, I’m over 30 now, and still pass my physicals with flying colors, each year, so there goes **that** theory. On the other hand …..” Starsky stopped before he continued on a conspiratorial tone,  
“Talking about concern about one’s wellbeing. I’ve been wondering ever since we’ve first met how a tall guy like you doesn’t just keel over, eating so little every day. Explains why you’re so thin. It ain’t healthy.”  
  
Starsky got up and put on his jacket.  
“Frankly, I think you’re malnourished. Don’t look so surprised; I know big words, too!”

Hutch needed a moment to recover from Starsky’s brilliant deduction, then shook his head and replied,  
“Starsky, when will it get through that thick skull of yours that it is not the amount of food that nourishes a person, it’s the actual nutrients **in** the food you choose to eat, that satisfies your appetite. Now take a look at that list I just gave you, huh? Every time we went somewhere, you had to satisfy that empty feeling you had in your stomach. With the stuff you choose to eat, you might as well eat 40 pounds a day, but you’ll never truly feel full and satisfied. I, however, choose nutrients wisely, so my appetite is satiated by much smaller but way more nutritious amounts of food, plus it keeps my organs in tip top shape.”

Starsky just stared at his partner, stumped for a moment by the logic of Hutch’ lecture. Then, he went for the touchdown,  
“Yeah, but I always enjoy my meals way more than you do yours. My food choices put a smile on my face when I eat them. I’ve never seen you really enjoy all that goo and cardboard you put down your throat. A smile a day keeps the doctor away, Hutch, and I smile between 3 and uhm,” he counted the number of times on Hutch’s list, that he’d stopped to eat something,  
“8 times a day, apparently. Considering the great results of my physical, it looks like I’m doin’ **something** right, don’t it?”  
  
He looked at his partner with a triumphant expression on his face, before walking out of the squad room, leaving Hutch dumbfounded, shaking his head for at least the eighth time today.


End file.
